Recovery
by etgoddess
Summary: You don't give the people you don't love, the power to destroy you.
1. Chapter 1

The compound is suspiciously quiet when she walks into the kitchen one morning.

There's no one around but when she reaches for the coffee pot there's a conspicuously large red bow in her way.

It's a toaster

_(she smiles for the first time in weeks) _

and starts to cry.

She unknots the ribbon reverently and it unknots something in her chest.

She rolls her shoulders open and the crushing weight suffocating her ebbs

_(only slightly, just for a beat) _

but she chases that feeling-stretches her fingers out, tries to dig her nails in-

_(to hold on, with both hands) _

* * *

Wanders into Seth's office holding her plate of toast like a trophy,

the cuffs of his dress shirt covering all but the very tips of her fingers,

props herself in his doorway,

fends off Richie's attempted theft of her loot as he slips past

_("Cute PJ's sis. When did we get a toaster?") _

finds Seth's eyes as he finally looks up, his focus landing on the dish, dancing down to her hemline, skittering north to meet her gaze

Everything in her warms as she makes eye contact

_("Paul Newman owed me one.") _

The corner of Seth's mouth quirks up into a tender smile

And Ritchie frowns, squinting,

_("I don't remember Butch Cassidy bringing the Sundance Kid a toaster. Which one was that, Seth?") _

which starts the brothers bickering but Seth peeks up at her every few breaths

And her skin feels hot where his stare grazes her, it makes her brave, distracts her for a beat from the life she's trying to reassemble

She watches him watch her, perches on the edge of the desk to his right, licking butter and jelly from her fingers, reaching forward to point out this or that in his paperwork, relishing in the way his breath catches, the repeated clearing of his throat, the way he glowers at Ritchie's raised eyebrows

_(whose sightline is level with her thighs) _

the way he removes his jacket under the pretense of overheating and piles it next to her, bunching the fabric so it drapes over her lap and obscures Ritchie's view

She feels powerful

_(for the first time in weeks) _

feels omnipotent, wielding her body like this

She worries

_(not for the first time) _

that some part of Amaru remains, leeching darkness

* * *

It makes the breath catch in her throat and for an instant she's back behind her own eyes, trapped, a passenger, an audience, willing her arms to do as they're told

_(screaming as Amaru laughs, her distress a mere amusement) _

Seth's hands press into her neck and cup her jaw, wrenching her from the memory

His voice breaking through

_("Hey, hey, come on, Kate. Come on. Jesus Christ, can you hear me?") _

He slides one hand to her shoulder, the other lifts hers to rest on his chest rising with his inhale

_("Slow, Kate, just breathe. That's it.") _

His forehead meets hers, the timbre of his voice rumbling in her chest_  
("Open your eyes, Princess. Look at me.") _

She does and whatever he's searching for in her eyes he must find because in the next breath he's business as usual reviewing the books with Ritchie

_(his thumb steadily rubbing over her knuckles the only evidence anything was ever amiss) _

* * *

At first he keeps his distance

_(as much distance as Seth Gecko ever kept from her) _

But it doesn't take long for him to break

_(she winces trying to take off her jacket and he's there immediately) _

-_ hey, hey, easy _-

With two fingers dragging down her arm as he helps her free that lock around her elbow

_(and he meets her eyes and falls over the edge, "I'm sorry, Kate, I'm sorry") _

his voice breaks, _he _breaks, and he surrounds her, fills up the space between them with his body, his nose pressed to her cheek as he _begs _

_("Kate, I'm so sorry") _

His hands roam her body like he's taking inventory, branding every curve, he's not even sure what he's apologizing for

_(everything and nothing) _

But he needs her to understand

_("I'm not a hero, Kate." "You're not the villain, Seth.") _

* * *

Sometimes she catches him late at night

Hidden away in his office like the four walls can box up the voices in his head

_(it happens less now) _

Perspiration beads down his face, his neck, his hands shake

_(faster) _

And he counts as his fingers stutter over the clip, the slide, the hammer

-so ensnared in his own mind he doesn't see her come in, squinting in the harsh light

_("Seth? It's late. Come to bed.") _

He doesn't know she's there until she slips her fingers between his, closes them firmly around his hand, her other sweeping down his neck, her lips at his ear

_("Baby we can do it later okay?") _

on her breath-and she waits, counts his heartbeats as he comes back to her, crawls out of the dark corner in his memory and leans into her touch, tightens his fingers around hers, one by one, climbs up the ladder she's thrown down to him

_(everyone thinks Ritchie is the crazy one but Seth knows he is just better at hiding it) _

* * *

It happens less now

_(she doesn't dream with his arm draped over her hip and he doesn't wake up choking with her weight pressed into him) _

But it still happens - on the bad nights with Kate snoring next to him he stares into the ceiling and the voices get too loud

_(do it again - faster) _

And he bolts from their bed like he has to lock them away from her

_(he won't let his father's darkness taint her) _

He's failed her in every fathomable way but this-

This he can protect her from

_(no bumps or scrapes) _

* * *

When they first get her back she sleeps for days

_(she's in and out, alternates between crying in her sleep and calling for her daddy, for Scott, calling his name) _

And Seth just sits there, his fingertips pressed against her side, rising and falling with her breath, grounding him, filling him up

_(she's gone, she's gone, she's gone) _

reassuring him

_(she's here) _

Ritchie only interrupts to bring food and cajole him because he knows better

-everyone seems to know better-

_("Pull yourself together brother, Kate is gonna tear you a new one, you're a mess.") _

And she does when she finally wakes up

-really wakes up and looks at him-

sees him

_("Seth? Look at you, you're a mess.") _

She's taking care of him before she can take care of herself

_("I can take care of myself, Seth." "Give it a rest, Kate.") _

* * *

He remembers the blood well,

he remembers his knuckles dragging along the window as he drags himself out of the car

_(screaming in his head, begging) _

hands clenched against the shaking and his stomach roiling

_(Kate, please, please) _

his legs betraying him, his feet refusing to move

He's still arguing with himself and negotiating with a higher power when Ritchie calls out for him

_("She's not here.") _

Seth's brain isn't processing

_("I saw her die but Kate's not here.") _

Ritchie walks back to where Seth stands engulfed in his own nightmare,

her name like a needle under his skin

_("There's no body.") _

* * *

And he snaps

_("Don't say her fucking name.") _

But Ritchie isn't deterred

_("Her body isn't here, Seth.") _

like it _means _something, like it _matters _that her _corpse _isn't where they left her, alone, in the desert

_("Maybe something dragged her off, Richard, maybe your culebra brothers ate-") _

That's the trigger and Seth's churning stomach riots, brings him to his knees

_(no bumps or scrapes) _

And he's retching, gagging, and spitting, his eyes water

_(and he wonders if this is what she felt; her blood filling her mouth, her lungs) _

Was she alone? Why wasn't he there?

* * *

He hears something keen, agonizing, realizes the sound is coming from him, realizes he said it aloud when Ritchie's hand lands heavy on his shoulder and he repeats it like a mantra

_(she wasn't alone, Seth, she wasn't alone, we were here, we stayed-we stayed with her the whole time, Scott, he was here and I held her hand and she wasn't alone, Seth) _

Seth's fingers dig into the earth under his knees, searching, his eyes fall shut but the grief fills up behind his eyelids, Kate's name falling from his lips like it's being hacked out of his chest

_(he is not a man who believes in God, but he believes in her) _

He repeats it until it's a mumble, then a whisper, a prayer on his breath

_(Seth Gecko does not pray but if there were ever a time he felt inclined to barter with the universe-it'd be for her) _

* * *

She heals.

Slowly. But she heals.

_(Seth Gecko is no longer shy about thanking everything in the universe for that) _

He is her shadow, after, like he's afraid she'll slip away in the night

_("You want to leave, Princess, be my guest") _

he revolves around her for weeks, as her wounds close and her hair fades and the color comes back to her skin

And he wishes he could say he isn't sure when his life was reduced to this

_(her safety, her needs, her wants, her happiness) _

But even he isn't that good a liar

* * *

He's been absolutely ruined since

_(no bumps or scrapes) _

The car got stolen in Mexico for Christ's sake

_(he can't be held responsible, there was a red dress, and he is only human) _

And it's only gotten worse

_(you ready partner?) _

His decision-making boils down to Kate Fuller

_(Ritchie thinks castrated Seth is the most entertaining, "You're not even sleeping with her" and Seth's grumpy, "Hey show some respect" doesn't help his case) _

His brother loves to push his buttons by reminding him

_("The little lady is quite the kisser-you're missing out big bro.") _

His culebra speed gives him an unfair advantage when Seth swings for his face.

* * *

She heals and he tries to move forward

_(he told himself he'd give her time, space, a kidney, anything she wanted) _

They don't talk about it, but she already has his soul

_(blood is the conduit of the soul) _

He tries but he's been starving since she stepped out of that car

hungry for her voice, her touch, her smell, he's greedy now he knows it

-but he knows what it feels like to exist in the world where she doesn't come home

He is not a man who is good with words so he buys her the damn toaster, uses "sweetheart" enough times daily in a sentence that he'd be mortified if he ever paused long enough to think about it, and maybe he gets a funny feeling in his chest when her laundry starts getting mixed in with his.

* * *

He leans into those moments,

tries to wrap them around himself because

sometimes he sees her there on the floor of the church in that pool of her own blood,

he sees her in the car,

the blood isn't even dry on their faces before panic sets in

_(he almost lost her today, too close, too close, too close) _

sees her hanging from the ropes, begging,

_("Why would you do this to me?) _

listens to her condemn him

_("You should've killed me when you had the chance.") _

Watches her walk away from him for the last time

_(time to pay up) _

When he closes his eyes

He doesn't know how to say it

but he needs her to understand

* * *

When she walks into hell she thinks this is it, that's curtains

_(finally, for real this time) _

And every fiber of her being aches, her arm still tingles where Seth patched her up

_(she's almost surprised she can feel here at all but she remembers her scripture and pain is definitely in the underworld's wheelhouse) _

She's not sure what to think when she stumbles on Ritchie

_(or rather he finds her, intense and determined as usual) _

He doesn't seem surprised to see her,

Says something about bringing back the light then pokes the duct tape wound around her arm and motions to his own

_("Time to save the world, Princess.") _

She trudges after him like her limbs are made of iron and he pauses a beat, glancing back at her over his shoulder and sighing like his soul is tired

_("I've been punched enough today - let's not tell Seth I said that.") _

Warmth spreads through her chest despite herself, despite _everything _

_(Time's up, Princess.) _


	2. Chapter 2

She wants in-

months later, it's another score and

_("I didn't come here just to watch, Seth.") _

and

_("Absolutely not Kate, no fucking way.") _

and

_("It's not up for discussion, Seth, I'm your partner.") _

and

_("It's not a discussion, Kate. I'm telling you it's not happening.") _

and

_("You don't get to tell me anything, Seth, I can do this!") _

and

_("Of course you can do it, that's not the point!") _

The lesser lieutenants have already removed themselves from this battlefield,

slinking out as the Generals rail, knowing historically a swift conclusion is unlikely,

leaving Scott and Ritchie to watch them silently before Scott exhales a long-suffering sigh and Ritchie glances to the ceiling appealing to La Diosa for strength

When he steps between the two, one hand pinching his nose as if fighting a headache, they don't even pause

_("As a member of this team I'd like to put it to a vote - and then you can get back to killing each other.") _

But Scott seconds and Ritchie turns back to his still bickering family

_("Mr. Gecko?") _

He prompts loudly to no response before clearing his throat, rolling his eyes, and going all in

_("Mrs. Gecko?") _

It does the trick as they both snap to attention, inches from each other's faces, whirling on Ritchie with a synchronized, sharp

_("What!") _

Scott snickers uncontrollably as they glance back at each other as if suddenly realizing their proximity and Seth snipes

_("Shut up, Richard!") _

as Kate turns away with a final

_("I'm doing it, Seth.") _

* * *

Which sets him off all over again,

Bringing the entire room to a halt with a vicious

_("Goddamnit, Kate, I've already lost you twice!") _

Her eyes snap to his and he tries to recover, his voice betraying him,

_("We're not doing that again. You are not doing that to me again.") _

no one speaks, no one breathes,

until Seth exhales, folding in on himself

_("I did it wrong last time, partner. You can't ask me to do that again.") _

Kate's eyes soften but her voice is strong

_("We're better together.") _

Seth scoffs, cocking his head, desperation creeping into his voice, willing her to understand

_("I'm trying to keep you in one piece.") _

* * *

-Kate goes.

And they find a new rhythm, a new normal

_(Los Tres Geckos) _

Scott stops in when the band is in town and they still occasionally get pulled into culebra disputes and Kate is pretty sure she walked in on Ritchie and Kisa cuddling and watching Scarface

_(which is somehow easily the strangest thing that happens to her that week) _

She mentions Los Cuatro Geckos at dinner and Seth spends twenty minutes choking but the blush on Kisa's face says everything.

Ritchie doesn't waste any time getting her back for that one,

_("What are your intentions with my brother?") _

he asks while they do the dishes.

It's only them at the sink, Seth and Kisa gathering plates in the other room, and Kate giggles for a full minute and a half at how weirdly domestic this has all become, but Ritchie is still looking at her expectantly, waiting for an answer.

She considers lying to him and he raises an eyebrow as if daring her

_("We haven't talked about it.") _

The culebra king leans in over her shoulder as he dries a gravy boat covered in blue flowers,

he doesn't ask if she loves him - he already knows

_("So talk about it.") _

Interrogating Seth is even less enlightening

_("Seth, she sleeps in your bed." _

_"Yeah sometimes, Ritchie, she has nightmares." _

_"She's not a kid anymore, Seth." _

_"She deserves more than this, Ritchie. She didn't get a choice." _

_"She made her choice in Matanzas. You gonna take that away from her?" _

_"I'm gonna do whatever I have to do to keep her safe.") _

And with his brother's finger close enough to his face for him to lick, the deja vu that slams into Ritchie is overwhelming

_("So you love her then.") _

* * *

The look on Seth's face is less astonishment and more painful resignation

_(as if he'd already come to terms with this fact of his existence months ago, standing in front of a hellmouth, asking a girl not to step inside it and leave him forever) _

But Seth Gecko is still, and forever, an emotionally constipated moron so he says nothing

But Ritchie isn't new to his brand of dysfunction,

_("Everyone knows you're in love with her, that's not in question, I just think you should tell her.") _

So he waits as Seth takes that in. Like it's news.

_(Registers it. Considers it. Rejects it. Reconsiders it.) _

Watches as Seth shrugs like he can't be bothered to lock down the woman he was literally willing to end the world for. Nearly facepalms when said woman appears in the doorway chirping at them happily and Seth's demeanor nearly gives him whiplash as he instantly approximates a puddle of jello.

* * *

And so it goes.

Los Tres _(Cuatro) _Geckos continue their path of fiscal liberation on a strictly occasional basis

_(Running the culebra underworld doesn't technically fall under the category of "going straight" but no one is willing to have the argument with Seth. Again. So they let him have this one.) _

And on these special occasions Kate takes extra joy in rubbing her prowess in his face.

_("Try to keep up, old man.")_

Tonight it goes off without a hitch, until it doesn't

A ballsy customer, a reckless escape, a car backfiring

And Seth is losing it, trying to jump over the backseat as Ritchie peels away,

_("Why did I do it Kate? Huh? Why did I kick you out of that car? Why did I go back? Why did I walk away? Because I wanted to keep you. I watched the regulator put that gun in your face, Kate, and I-I wanted to keep you.") _

He's running his hands over every inch of her and he's rabid, frenetic,

And Ritchie is trying to yell over him because he's _just not getting it _

But it's Kate who wraps her fingers around his wrist, and it's Kate who threads the fingers of her other hand into his hair, and it's Kate staring him in the face asking,

_("Seth, what are you looking for? I'm okay. I'm okay.") _

And it's Kate who isn't bleeding.

_("The gun, I heard it, I thought he-he didn't hit you?") _

Ritchie is in the front seat trying to find his inside voice, but Kate speaks up and she is immeasurably soft,

_("There was no gun, Seth. No gun, sweetheart. Just a car. It was just a car. A backfire. I'm not hit. There was no gun.") _

Seth is breathing like he just finished the New York Marathon and he's spent, hollow, he's battered. He doesn't know what to say. He slumps in the backseat as far away from Kate as he can get and tries to press the back of his neck against the window. He's sweating.

_(He pulls the tie from his neck and the jacket from his shoulders, and he's unbuttoning his vest, "It's hot in here. Aren't you hot, isn't it hot?") _

He unbuttons the dress shirt next and he's going for his cuffs before Kate slides up against him, one hand unbuttoning the cuff, the other rolling down the window behind him.

_("It's always a little toasty after a close getaway, isn't it boys?") _

Ritchie does scoff in the front seat this time but his undead heart is bursting with pride

_("Katie your pun strengthens me. I have never been prouder, little sister.") _

It's Seth's turn to scoff and reach forward to swat at the back of Ritchie's head,

_("Shut the fuck up, Ritchie. Little sister.") _

Kate smiles widely. Her Gecko is feeling better. Ritchie adjusts naturally,

_("You are right brother. My apologies Miss Kate. Little sister-in-law.") _

This time Ritchie is quicker to duck as Seth swings for him and he slings back,

_("At least she would be if you would get your shit together already!") _

This time Kate protests,

_("Do I get a say in this? Who's to say I'd marry this sorry sack even if he asked?") _

Ritchie is quick to support this,

_("If you were smart you'd have kept walking in Matanzas.") _

Kate glares into the rear-view mirror but rounds back on Seth,

_("Is this a real thing that we need to talk about? Or are you just using this to distract me from your near nervous breakdown because now that I'm not dying you're self-conscious about it?") _

Seth and Ritchie are both silent at that. They share a look in the rear-view that Kate clearly intercepts and she rolls her eyes so hard her head hurts. Seth scratches the back of his neck anxiously,

_("I don't know, do we have to talk about it? I thought one day I'd just ask you to marry me and go from there." _

_"Like over breakfast? Just slip that in?" _

_"Yeah just drop that bomb. Like over toast.") _

Kate laughs despite herself and Ritchie looks like he's torn between vomiting up his culebra lunch and getting ordained online to make it official. Kate sighs,

_("This family is so fucked up.") _

Ritchie smirks in the rear-view,

_("Yup. And you want to legally bind yourself to this clusterfuck.") _

Kate is incredulous,

_("I never said that! And the backseat of the charger doesn't count. If and when you ever do this I want a real goddamn proposal.") _

Now it's her finger in Seth's face and Ritchie is laughing wholeheartedly watching the tiny angry sprite of a woman wrangle his brother by his balls.

* * *

_(And so it begins) _


End file.
